Kelly's Creeps

Kelly’s Creeps takes place 17 years later after BBQ7)

ACTION!

“See, when you do clownery, the clown comes back to bite… Hottie you’ve been expelled… may I please have your pledge pin?… a large and wise black woman asks calmly.

“HOTTIE?!… HOTTIE?…”

(Louder)“HOTTIE!” Hottie jumps up from leaning against the counter and almost burns her arm on the toaster.

“How many times have I told you to keep the toaster setting on LEVEL 6?? (Yells) LEVEL 6!!?? WE WANT CRISP TOAST! CRISP NOT BURNT! Not that weak ass Starbucks shit!” A frustrated Kelly exclaims, “It’s my grand fucking opening! You’re fucking with my money!”

Hottie adjusts her shirt, clears her throat and pats down her edges, “Sorry girl, I was just daydreaming about that time I was on Mo’Nique’s Charm School. She really gave some great life advice… too bad I never actually applied any of it, especially when it comes to people who I don’t agree with.”

“I don’t have time for whatever you’re talking about. I just have you around because we feed off each other’s toxicity. Anyways, if you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean! Those straws aren’t going to refill themselves; get your shit together girl, what’s wrong with you?” Asks Kelly.

“Girl, I keep seeing clowns in my dreams. It’s a bad sign.” Hottie replies.

Kelly raises her voice, “CLOWNS?… ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You can’t even SPELL clown! Anyways, looks like you have a customer. Remember your greeting this time. You’re not going to get out of training without saying it right.”

Hottie perks up her boobs and approaches the customer at the counter — “Welcome to Kelly’s Creeps, where Bitch is our second language. So can I take your fucking order now or what?”

Man: You mean, “Crepes”

“No, it’s Creeps you Cree— omg JOHNNY! It’s been a long time! Welcome to Kelly’s Creep’s! So can I take your fucking order now or what?!”

A stunned Johnny answers, “Kelly? Hottie? It’s been YEARS! Kelly, this is your place? Hey good for you!”

Kelly smiles and frowns, “Damn right it’s my place! After Big Brother Quarantine 7, I went to Vegas with my $500 and put everything on Black! Did double or nothin, invested that and now I have my very own creep shop.“

“You mean crepe shop,” Johnny insists.

“No, CREEP SHOP! You fucking moron.” That’s the concept. I found my niche; turns out being a bitch to people you don’t know can be profitable. And I built in being a bitch to people who don’t agree with me into my business model. HOTTIE, explain. She’s still in training,” Kelly whispers.

Hottie smiles, “Being disrespectful to random strangers over minute things is what Kelly’s Creeps is all about. Remember how we treated everyone in the house? Well, it’s the same concept — we’re extremely nice to your face but when you order something on the menu and you try to modify it, I can pretty much cuss you out because we only like customers who agree with our menu, but the cussing starts only AFTER you tip so that way, no take backsies. People are going to love it!”

“I guess it doesn’t feel like work if you enjoy doing it. Johnny says as he notices a piece of Hottie’s wig sticking up. “You need some glue?” Asks Johnny. “Those edges are looking like they’re ready for takeoff. Supposed to be windy outside today. How did you get here working for Kelly? You literally won the game!”

Hottie pats down her edges again. “Dammit, Kelly had this wig I wanted so I took a gamble, did a coin flip and she charged me $500 for it.”

“What the fuck?” Asks Johnny. “Gamble your life away over a WIG? Girl, I’m—”

“It’s complicated. After Big Brother Quarantine, I’ve been having a rough time finding a job. Those reputation defender commercials were right. They Googled my name and I’m always tied to this bitch and now I’m broke.” Hottie says she cuts her eyes at Kelly.

“Don’t give me that duckbill platypus LIP. LOOK. BITCH. I employ you!” Kelly condescends.

“Employee status, Hottie… seems like new territory for you. Your name tag is upside down sweetheart,” says Johnny.

“Shut the fuck up, Johnny. You’re still a fucking loser” says Hottie.

“I just came to eat” mumbles Johnny.

YOU’RE A LIAR!” Kelly lashes out.

“That was 17 years ago. I literally just came to get something to eat, what’s good here?” Johnny asks.

“The clam dinner is my personal favorite. You get one clam strip and it even comes with a spicy miso sauce,” Hottie says as she bats her eyes and smiles enthusiastically.

“One fucking clam? TWELVE DOLLARS?” Johnny asks in a frustrated voice. So you don’t actually serve Crepes?”

The door chime rings and in walks a man dressed in a full clown suit. “OMG! IT’S THE CLOWN, HE CAME BACK TO BITE! MO’NIQUE WAS RIGHT!” Hottie ducks under the counter.

The clown speaks, “Hottie? Johnny? KELLY?”

All three— “MICHAEL?”

Kelly scoffs, “Speaking of burnt toast…hello Michael. And just so we’re clear, burnt toast has nothing to do with you being black, I just hate burnt TOAST and Hottie burnt some earlier and… I HATE YOU TOO, GOSH JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OKAY?”

Hottie scoffs, “Must be a clown convention in town. Loser ass!”

Michael chuckles, “Some things never change. Actually, there’s a hair convention in town. After my fans saw how disrespectful you both were to me on Big Brother Quarantine, it made me even more famous and I started my own successful hair company called Michael B. Wiggins. Do you need some glue, sis?… your edges—

Hottie changes her attitude and Gasps, “I LOOOOOVE Michael B Wiggins! I take back everything bad I said Michael, I’m sorry. I would have treated you differently had I known I would have benefited from the relationship in the long run. Would you have a coupon code you could slide my way? Those wigs are $800. I’ll even let you use my employee discount here.”

“ORDER UP!” Yells a thick-haired mustached man through the kitchen serving window.

“ADAM?” Says Michael.

“Johnny, Michael! Welcome to Kelly’s Creeps, where Bitch is our second language. So can I take your fucking order now or what?… well I’m not gonna take your order, just cook this trash.”

Michael asks, “Adam? You fucking work here too?” The BBQ house is literally down the street. You guys literally never left. This shit is fucking wild like what are the odds?”

Adam responds, “Yeah, after Uncut Gems, I went on our season and I ran out of work, gambled my last $2 on a scratch off and didn’t win but I ran into Kelly at the gas station and she offered me a job after we had sex in the bathroom.”

Kelly interrupts, “GET BACK TO WORK, ADAM! Table 7 needs tater tots!” Kelly snares at Michael, “Cut the shit Michael, what’s with the fucking clown suit? You take that shit over to Dave and Busters.”

Johnny interrupts, “Wait, so you don’t actually serve CREPES?”

Kelly and Hottie yell, “SHUT THE FUCK UP JOHNNY!”

Michael responds, “I was passing this place earlier today and I saw someone who looked like Hottie hurry in here like she was running late for work. And I thought to myself, ‘Hottie, WORKING?’… This I had to see. And since she treated nearly everyone horribly as they walked out of the doors during the BBQ game, I wanted to come in, gloat and kick her while she’s down” Says Michael. “So I had my driver take me to the nearest costume shop so I could come in and make fun of her by dressing up as the perfect embodiment of how she acted… how you BOTH acted… and seeing you, Kelly, the other half of the toxic twin duo is an added bonus because, fuck you.”

“Fuck you too, Michael” Kelly lashes back.

They all look at each other, smile and take a moment to reflect over the good old days.

“This is so us.” Michael responds. “I know right,” Kelly smiles and agrees. “So can I take your fucking order now or what?”

Michael laughs, “Nah, I’m good. I’d rather not gamble with my life like that,” as he walks out of the restaurant.

“Maybe we should start being nicer to the customers since it’s the grand opening,” Hottie suggests. “Well maybe you shouldn’t have gambled your life over a wig and you could have started your own fucking restaurant,” says Kelly.

“You have another customer, be meaner this time, it’s why I started this business with your BBQ prize money. Show some fucking gratitude. Without me, you're nothing! Without that outfit, you're just another no-talent dental hygiene school drop-out from DC getting by on her tits!“ Kelly says as she grabs her purse and leaves Hottie standing at the counter.

As Hottie stands at the counter, she takes a moment to herself and reflects on her life and what Mo’Nique told her at charm school.

“I guess the clown really did come back to bite this time,” sighs Hottie out loud. She takes a deep breath… lays down the 6 edges of her wig sticking up and says “Maybe being nasty to people that don’t agree with me isn’t really that beneficial.”

An impatient customer with their arms folded stands at the counter,”Ma’am? I asked for NO TOMATOES.”

Hottie rolls her eyes, “Who the fuck even asked you to eat here? You already tipped me so get the fuck out!”

The customer frowns and says, “Thank you! Best service ever!” And gladly walks away.

Hottie bats her eyes, smiles and says to herself, “Maybe being an asshole to random people isn’t that bad after all. I was made for this life.”

END SCENE