Story #4

Dear Diary,

So this past weekend was actually pretty interesting. I got to hang out with some of my childhood friends who I had not seen in a while (girl, let me tell you, nobody had any idea that this corona pandemic would take seven years but alas here we are - it's finally over!)

So first there is April, who, as much as I love her, tends to be a bit of a psychotic betch sometimes <3 She will randomly snap at people and sometimes I feel like she hates the world, but really she is just overreacting to the smallest things. I remember one time we wanted to eat some Taco Bell and she wanted some bean burrito because she's a vegetarian or something and they ended up giving her meat. Okay, so before you try to justify it and say "oH wElL sHe DoEsNt WaNt To EaT aN aNiMaL". I get that, but I also feel like the appropriate thing would be to calmly say "Hey look you got the order wrong. Here is the receipt for the correct item I ordered" and then move on from there. I mean to me that seems like the logical thing, right? Well NOT TO APRIL! She seriously walked inside and threw the burrito at the employee behind the counter. Okay so first of all that employee is not even the same one as the one who took your order (not trying to justify that either, but my point is that it is literally two different people). Second of all, that is not called for at all because that's physical abuse, even if it is with a burrito. She then proceeded to scream that she took a bite of animal flesh, but at the same time, I don't even think Taco Bell has real meat? Isn't it 99% shredded cardboard? So yes, April is such a hoot to bring along to all of our little adventures. I think the only reason she comes along is because she is Hottie's sister, and most of the time they don't even like each other. Siblings, I bet they just love it!!

Then there is Hottie, and wow, let me just say, this girl is something else. I don't really know how to describe it. Hottie was always the eccentric one of the group. I mean for Christ's sake, she called herself Hottie even though her biological name is Agnes, literally one of the most boring names to ever grace the world. For some reason she also thought flirting with other guys would be her key to their hearts, or at least whatever money was in their pockets, but the thing is, she's bad at flirting. When we used to study at the coffeehouse back in the day, she used to try to get free refills from the barista, except instead of trying to gain their interest by showing interest in their lives, she would go home and bake little pastries that always ended up tasting like ass. She did not understand that she should not take food out of the oven until it's been enough time. She claims that the sound of the oven timer bothers her so that's why she takes it out early, but there is just so much wrong with that statement. Also, she is notororious for omitting necessary ingredients, as in sometimes she forgets to add in the sugar, so the desserts are not sweet at all. She also throws in random ingredients, like one time she included a clam in her brownie mix. WHO DOES THAT? I know sometimes she would add her brownies to her toaster to give it that extra crunch. Regardless though, she does not seem to care about the quality of the treats she would bring to them as an attempt to seduce them. I am pretty sure they only gave in to free refills because they wanted her to stop bringing them treats. I mean, I saw them. They NEVER actually ate them. Pretty sure they ended up in the garbage, as they should be.

Next is Kelly, who is Hottie's second best friend (behind me obviously), and she is easily the most excitable person I have ever met. I know she loves trying to help Hottie bake her goods for these baristas and always points out the attractive ones. Whenever Hottie calls her and says it's baking time, Kelly will run to the store and buy everything on the list, and throws in a little more. However, unlike Hottie, Kelly actually knows how to cook legitimate food (good job girl!) and I feel like Hottie is much better leaving the cooking to Kelly. Kelly knows how to cook fancy cuisine too. She's made these delicious pastas before, seasoned with all these spices I've never heard of before. She actually uses fresh vegetables too, which is the ONLY time you'll see me eating my greens. So if it were up to just Kelly, then Hottie would be having a thousand barista boyfriends, but unfortunately, Hottie always ends up throwing in her random ingredients to the recipe, and poor Kelly, who is too nice to say anything, allows her. So then there will be interesting concoctions such as shoelace spaghetti or lego cookies, and then nobody ends up eating it. But even if these attempts at helping Hottie are pretty much wasted, their sisterhood is beautiflul. Kelly has proven to be such a loyal confidant to Hottie and will always defend her. One barista made the mistake of actually spitting out Hottie's scone one time and calling it trash, and Kelly went up to him and start calling him out for his overall rudeness. Kelly is one of those people that you never want to have against you, but more importantly, someone you want to have by your side!

Of course I cannot forget my best friend for life Beast! I know, I know, you guys are probably thinking that this is such a ridiculous name, and it really is, because if it is his biological name, then obviously his parents are hippies who were obviously under the influence during the naming process, and if it is his nickname, then that is just so arrogant, which honestly is probably not too far from the truth. So to answer your question on if that is his real name or not, I will just say, the world may never know. But this man is a legend. He has literally saved kittens from tall trees, children from apartment fires, women from railroad tracks, this man has done it all!! I am pretty sure he wears a cape when he goes on his little rescue missions, and he may or may not live in an ~actual~ bat cave. For some reason a lot of his deeds go unnoticed, as if people cannot recognize a grown ass hairy man sliding in and out of danger, but I think it also helps that he normally wears glasses and for whatever unholy reason, any time he takes them off in public it's like people do not recognize him. I mean, it's literally the same dude, minus these bifocals, but if he's wearing them in public and then takes them off to clean them, people straight up act like he vanished into thin air and replaced with a supermodel or something. I have a bias towards him, because he's been in my life through all the ups and downs and I would never give him up for ANYTHING. He is the yin to my yang, the light to my shadow, blah blah blah. He does not really have any faults, except maybe his vision, but that's about it.

And finally there is my brother from another mother, Michael! Michael is just... Michael. I don't really have anything bad to say about him. He is the smartest person I have ever encountered in my life, and I am thoroughly convinced that he is literally the origin story of a mad scientist. You know the ones, the one who creates a monster in the laboratory or creates some spooky potion while it's storming outside, all while cackling like a maniac! I think one time he was able to cure a platypus of its hairiness but I digress!! I know whenever we were younger, Michael would spend his days reading all kinds of mystery books and being able to predict the winner from the very beginning. His attention to detail was unmatched by anyone I ever met, and he was able to solve any riddles in record time. I actually had to pay him some money in college so he can do my online exams, because even if he was completely unfamiliar with the course subject, if he had a week's notice then he can master the material VERY quickly. The funny thing about him is that he always has his guard up with other people and it's hilarious whenever he speaks in riddles himselves and blows their mind. Nobody gets him as much as I do, and on a selfish level, that's how I like it. There's something enticing about having a leg up over the competition in life. Have as many advantages as you can, make sure you step over everyone else to be on top. You know, normal stuff.

So anyway, this weekend we all decided to meet at Old Man Scooby's ranch, named after the dog that lives there. The funny thing is that nobody has actually ever seen this dog, just heard barking coming from, well, nowhere. But the word on the street is that it's a vicious Great Dane, at least according to the kids in the neighborhood, and they decided to name him after the cartoon dog. I don't get why they call him "Old Man Scooby" but that's really none of my business. Come to think of it, I don't think I have EVER seen a human in that ranch, but there is a giant pick up truck in the driveway, and you know what they say about guys with big trucks!!! Regardless, there is this neat little secret underground tunnel right behind the ranch, and we figured this would be the perfect time to venture out and actually explore it. We had only seen the entrance, but all of us were too afraid to actually go and walk through it. Mostly Kelly. She didn't want to get her shoes wet, and to be fair I don't really blame her.

But fast forward a bit, and we decided to go take a hike in this tunnel, which was surprisingly tall enough to accommodate all of us. But once we were walking in it for about an hour and not actually finding anything, I felt like it was just a waste of time, at least for April. She was just huffing and puffing about how she could be doing other things like watching Grey's Anatomy or whatever white girl stuff she likes to do, but I personally felt like it was good for the heart to get some cardio in. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Nonetheless, it was not enough, as we had to endure her constant nagging. Is it a crime to just leave her behind? I mean, she was never really ~my~ friend to begin with. Let me just... walk faster.

After about another thirty minutes, the five of us saw a fork in the road approaching. But the weird part was that there looked like two humans standing at the intersection. Um what??? Are people actually living in the tunnels? Are we supposed to fear for our lives now? This is literally a scene from a horror movie. Are they going to have an extra face on their stomach or something? I didn't like it, but leave it to Hottie to be like "omg if I flash them do you think they'll give us an idea of what's down here?" Girl, if we haven't found anything in an hour and a half, what makes you think that these two random strangers will give us ANY kind of knowledge that doesn't lead to us ending up disemboweled in the ditch?

As we approached them, we noticed that these were, in fact, two WOMEN. Okay tea. If it were two men, then obviously it would be a different story because we all know men are the embodiment of pure evil, except Beast, but I'm pretty sure he's gay anyway. Then again, don't women get a bad name when it comes to theology and mythology? Eve was considered the wrongdoer in the Adam and Eve situation even though we all know Adam was really the culpable one, and I believe that sirens are typically portrayed as women. It's not our fault that sailor MEN do not know how to operate their ships and they completely had it coming to them for thinking with their toys instead of their brains.

Before we can even say anything, leave it to Kelly to jump up and down "omg I'm Kellyyyyy! Who are you? What is all down here??? Don't be afraid!!!!" The two women stared at her and then they quickly showed their devious smiles. The one on the left wore a white gown, which literally makes no sense. Is there a formal dance going on in the tunnels?? And who would even attend if nobody knows about it? The one on the right wore a black gown, which was just as baffling for the same reason.

"My name is Arisa", the one in the white gown revealed, "and this is my sister Theodora. It is time for a quick test!"

And with that, April and Kelly let out the loudest groan I had ever heard. April then shouted "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A TEST. JUST TELL US WHAT'S DOWN HERE!!" And with that, Arisa snapped her fingers and April disappeared.

"Wait hold up!!! What's going on here?!?!?!" Kelly screamed. Arisa shifted her attention to her and snapped her fingers. And just like that, she disappeared.

By that point, the rest of us stood in silence. We knew that something fishy was going on, mostly because there is no way that April and Kelly would be in on some weird prank like this. Something freaky was going on, but nobody knew what was happening. Luckily the rest of us were actually smart enough to not make a move or say anything else. I knew that Michael was trying to process what was going on. Good. And Beast is pretty brave and I trust him too. If I have these two in my corner, then I know I cannot go wrong. And maybe Hottie can be a distraction to them. Worst case scenario, she can be our bait. Sorry girl it was nice knowing you!!!

"Now that we all have an understanding," Theodora began, "let me tell you the rules of this test, and keep in mind we have a zero tolerance policy. There are to be no interruptions whatsoever. You may think you know what is to come, but you have no idea. You will all have three options. You may go through the tunnel behind myself, the tunnel behind Arisa, or go back in the direction you came from."

At this point it was obvious to me what the right decision was. Let's just get out of here. And I was about to make that call myself, but then Hottie decided to turn around and dart out. And with that, Arisa snapped her fingers and Hottie disappeared.

"Reminder, we said no interruptions," she stated coldly. Leave it to Hottie to make this awkward and now she's gone. I am now all alone with just my boys Beast and Michael. Not the best case scenario.

"Now," Theodora continued, "we have something to reveal. One path leads to a place like no other, where all your wildest dreams will be materalized. You will have everything you have always desired. It will be all yours. One path leads to a place like no other as well, except it will be where all your nightmares become reality. You will endure endless suffering and will never be able to escape. And the path back will return things to status quo. But be aware. If one of you returns back, then the other two will disappear forever regardless of their path. If two of you return back, then the last one will disappear forever regardless of their path. And if all three of you return back, then you all will return like normal, but you will lose your three friends that you have already lost. The choice is yours! You have two minutes to figure it out!"

Arisa snapped her fingers and a glowy misty portal appeared out of nowhere in front of each of the tunnels - a white portal behind Arisa, a black portal behind Theodora, and a green portal behind them.

And so Michael and Beast turned to me and started thinking about what to do. Beast said he was not afraid of anything and he thought that we should stick to picking a path and trying to save Hottie, April, and Kelly. He was not going to leave his friends behind and would do whatever it took to have a chance to get them back. He felt like even though they brought it upon themselves, it was not the right thing to do to leave them behind. He did not know what we could do to bring them back, but if they turned back now, then there was no way they can guarantee they'll ever see the women again. At least if they all just picked a path, maybe there would be an answer somewhere in the tunnels, wherever they ended up. But now the problem was, which tunnel would be the right tunnel?

Michael was thinking long and hard about everything. What could be the solution? Then he looked up and glowed! "Guys I know what to do!" Beast and I turned to him in joy! "Okay, so I know this is going to sound risky, but hear me out. I think it's a good idea if we split up. I know we all want to stay together and pick the right path, but we have a 50/50 shot of picking the wrong one. But look, if we pick two different paths, then one is guaranteed to be our nightmares and one is guaranteed to be everything we wanted. And you know what I want more than anything right now? I want the girls to come back, and I think we all do! So no matter what, if we pick two different paths, then at least one of us will pick the one where our dreams become reality so then we can dream of the safety of everyone else. Then we are all good!"

Beast clapped his hands in excitement. "Yeah that is perfect! We got this guys! I'll pick the black one, you guys pick the white one! And then we'll quickly be safe.  Let's do it!" Michael walked towards the white portal and disappeared while Beast walked into the black portal. This sounds like a good plan, but what if I ended up in the wrong one? I did not want to endure a single moment of pain and I did not even know if this was a true plan. Do I have faith in my friends' plan, or do I just take matter into my own hands?

"Sorry guys", I whispered quietly, stepping back into the green portal. As I retreated back, I heard loud barking fill my ears and I found myself in front of the ranch again. I don't know how I got there so quickly or what happened, but my friends were nowhere to be found. I raced back to the entrance of the tunnel, but the tunnel entrance was no longer there. Ummm what??

It's been days since this experience, and none of my friends ever showed up again. I don't know where they ended up or how I will ever find them, but honestly I am just glad that I am safe and I guess I'll just have to go find some new friends. I mean after all, I hadn't seen them in a long time anyway. I think about how I could have changed things if I just went through with the plan and not be so apprehensive, and how I could be with all my friends now. But then I remember I am alive and well, so who's winning now?

Good night diary, love you dearly,

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